Hope

This week has been really hard.

I cried a lot this week and had a hard time feeling like there was going to be any hope. Yesterday I cried for about 4 hours straight. I'm realizing I didn't fully understand how hard it is to leave on a mission.  There is no way I could do this without the Atonement of Jesus Christ!  As hard as it's been . . . I would not give it back for anything and I'll tell you why below.

The week started out fast!  Then the weekend hit and it felt like a lifetime!  Every minute felt like an hour and every hour felt like a week! I think I understand why now . . . I need to be more DILIGENT in all I do!  I've been on the roller coaster of emotions once again.  It's amazing the powerful feelings that can occur - sometimes all in one day!  I've felt pain, hurt, sadness, joy, pity, loss, patience, humility, sleepiness, hopelessness, courage, and hope.

So in a nut shell, I'm pretty wrung out emotionally!

Sunday was my hardest day. I started crying at about 11am, just little pools in my eyes. Then our branch president's wife came up and hugged me, and Niagra Falls POURED out of me.  Goodness! I had been praying all week for someone to talk to. Just to talk to. The second she noticed how hard I was crying, she asked if I wanted to talk. I had to say yes, this is what I had been praying and fasting for. We stepped inside a private room and she just held me. She hugged me till I stopped shaking, and kissed my wet cheek with so much love. Then we talked. I have not felt more peace on my mission than in that moment. We talked about some very personal things, but she shared her testimony with me multiple times in that little encounter. I am so grateful that she was there to listen and love me!  I'm fasting and praying that this week will be much easier emotionally.

As missionaries we have to remember to turn to God in gratitude for letting us on this roller coaster ride. We are serving on the front lines of the greatest work in the world.  He will help us appreciate the times that are up AND the times that are down.

For those who are interested, the language is coming along! I know more Cantonese in these 3 weeks than the Mandarin I've learned over 6 years! So ya, God is real and so is the gift of tongues.

I have learned so much as I've had to rely on the Lord's Atonement. Every second of Every day. That does not mean He is going to make you forget home, or the people that made up another home in your heart. It doesn't mean all your hardships will just disappear. To struggle is an essential part of God's plan. The pain I've felt this week has taught me that God is there. . . always hearing the prayers in our hearts, and always listening to the thoughts in our minds. I can promise that God is with you too.

Yes, this will be a long 18 months, But OH MY HECK, it will be worth it!! And that has never been confirmed to me more fully than this week. Even though I've sat here being honest about my droopy week, I can still promise God was holding me. He really was!  I had the feeling that it was just hard for Him too because He was crying for me and with me. So me and God had a really personal week as He got to watch me wrestle with the "natural woman" inside me.  However, I got to watch Him pick me up and just cry with me.

He will never leave us alone. He will never EVER ignore our prayers, thoughts, or pains. I love Him so much and I will serve with all my heart, might, mind and strength . . .  leaving all personal affairs behind and putting on the whole armor of God to love, convert and baptize His people. I am on His time, and He will direct me, as He directs all of us! Don't EVER even think about doubting God. The second you do, you WILL sink. I love this gospel and I am so grateful for Christ's Atonement and the peace, comfort, hope, and love it brings me.

Anyway, if ANYONE has been in my EXACT shoes- in the MTC, for 9 plus weeks and struggling with pretty much everything they thought they weren't going to struggle with- Please please email or dear elder me and let me know how you did it . . . because this is hard!  I really want to hear from anyone who knows how I'm feeling and can give me tips on getting through it the best way possible!

My address at the MTC is:

Sister Amanda Webb

MAR21 CHN-HK

2005 N 900 E Unit 28

Provo, UT   84602

OR you can get on dearelder.com.  Choose "write a letter" and then choose "Provo MTC - free" for the mission.  It is a free service!   If you write an email before noon, they print it out and hand deliver it to us that evening!  My info is Sister Amanda Webb, Unit #28, Estimated Departure Date - March 21.

Thank you for all your prayers, love and letters

I'm praying for all of you and I love you!

Love Sister Webb

I ran into another Eagle Mountain friend!  Love these girls!